The American Music Awards (or, Go Away, Ke$ha)

I actually really like a lot of pop music, but the American Music Awards makes a habit of highlighting the absolute worst of it.

Case in point.

 So naturally I figured I would subject myself to the whole show.


8:00: I miss the opening of the show because I can’t find my remote control. I realize this is a pathetic white-girl problem to have.

8:04: I find my remote and turn on the show. Rihanna is performing. I resist the urge to turn it off.

8:05: Is it possible to have negative stage presence? Because Rihanna does. And even the extremely-prominent backup track she’s using isn’t enough to save her live singing. The final a capella bit is so off-key it makes my teeth itch.

8:08: They’ve just announced 9,000 performers for the evening. The show will end sometime Tuesday morning.

8:10: Usher wins for Best R&B Album. As if I needed another reason to hate the Black-Eyed Peas, will.i.am is responsible for “O.M.G.” Also, Usher? God doesn’t care if you win an AMA.

8:15: The Black-Eyed Peas win an award. I slit my wrists just a little bit.

8:16: Wait a minute; they were signed in 1997, didn’t sell records, and their label didn’t drop them? Jimmy Iovine has a special place in hell.

8:20: I feel terrible for the musicians in Enrique’s band. You know these men are incredibly talented and probably slaved away in bar bands and as session guys for years paying their dues. They finally get a regular gig, and it’s…. this? And they have to pretend to be rocking out? I felt the same way about the poor bastards in the “Viva Viagra” commercial.

8:22: And now we have Miley Cyrus. She’s dressed like Stevie Nicks and has candelabras all over the stage, because she is a serious musician.

8:32: I don’t even know who is performing right now. He’s a rapper. I am painfully white.

8:37: Kid Rock is performing on a stool. I don’t know what to think when he isn’t singing about strippers. Or when it looks like he’s actually washed his hair.

8:44: I still have no idea who that rapper was. He looked like if Lil’ Wayne chopped off his dreads and had a baby with P. Diddy.

8:47: “Shakira couldn’t be here tonight, so this [award] is mine now.” I adore Johnny Weir.

8:48: Remember when the Black-Eyed Peas were fun and harmless? When did they become the four-headed hyrdra of Satan? I can’t really pinpoint it, but it was probably right around the time of “Boom Boom Pow.” “I Gotta Feeling” was their Armageddon.

8:56: WHO THE HELL WAS THAT RAPPER GUY? I STILL DON’T KNOW.

8:57: The Internet tells me it was Diddy Dirty Money. I… still have no idea who that is.

8:58: FUCKING HELL. I finally got Katy Perry’s “Firework” out of my head two days ago and now she’s performing it. She still hasn’t gotten a handle on this whole singing thing.

9:03: Rihanna is wearing a dress that is pretty and tasteful. My world is turned upside down.

9:05: Puberty will have no mercy when it comes for Justin Bieber. It will sack and pillage and salt the fields, and it will not be pretty.

9:15: Brad Paisley thanks the AMAs for putting on a great show. He clearly has been drinking.

9:17: Bon Jovi are performing their new boring song. I start wishing Adam Lambert would show up and shove some dude’s face in his crotch again.

Suck it, Jon.

 9:19: “You Give Love a Bad Name”! Jon has traded his ability to handle high notes for eternal youth.

9:27: I watch Adele’s new video during the commercials. Hitting pause will be painful.

9:30: Justin Bieber won an award that required his fans to text in votes? No way.

9:31: Pink continues to give the finger to pop performers who can’t sing live. For the past few years she’s done it by swinging from trapezes while performing, and now she’s performing choreography while pregnant. For her next trick, she will swallow fire while sounding amazing.

9:41: Ne-Yo is up, bringing the total of good live singers so far to two. Small victories.

9:45: Taylor Swift is up. You ruined it, AMAs! Her hair looks good for the first time in her career, though.

9:52: Justin Bieber wins something. Is this thing three hours long? Christ.

9:56: ABC is advertising their new show, Skating With the Stars. I don’t love Johnny Weir enough to watch that.

9:58: Christina Aguilera looks like Dee Snyder and smells of desperation.

10:09: I love Usher’s performances because halfway through he always forgets he’s supposed to be actually singing and doesn’t even bother mouthing along to the backing track.

10:13: Avril Lavigne still exists?

10:15: I would have given an obscene amount of money to sit next to Muse at this show. The running commentary would have been glorious.

10:16: That’s enough, “Hey Soul Sister.”

10:26: Ke$ha shows us her mad guitar skillzz by strumming one chord awkwardly and then smashing it. I felt that way learning barre chords, too.

My God, she’s terrible.

10:36: Gavin Rossdale is still hot and sounds terrible. Carlos Santana is wearing a shirt visible from space. A shot of a young girl in the audience shows the “WTF is this?” face I had while watching Ke$ha.

10:38: This show needs more celebrity bitchfaces in the audience. They’re way too aware of the cameras. “You were inspiring, Justin Bieber! I will plaster a smile on my face and clap too hard!”

 10:41: The girl from Lady Antebellum botches her bit on the teleprompter. Reading is hard.

10:43: Usher thinks he’s won the Nobel Peace Prize. And he really, really likes himself.

10:50: Justin Bieber wins the big award for the night because this is voted on by fans. His hair: still annoying.

10:52: New Kids on the Block and the Backstreet Boys perform together. I’m just at the right age to have lived through both of these bands. I don’t think I’ve forgiven them. It’s actually one of the more fun and entertaining performances of the night because of the nostalgia factor.

Congratulations, NKOTB/BSB! You were better than Ke$ha!

Small victories.