Monday, May 2, 2011

Why I'm Single.

I was at Fado's with a girl from the soccer team, the place so packed we couldn't find a table and sought refuge on the upper balcony, sipping rum and Coke and people-watching. It was better than trying to talk, anyway, because the Black-Eyed Peas were blaring and trying yell over it just made the headache worse.

So I sipped my drink and laughed at the girls below, wearing too much jewelry and teetering on stilettos and letting muscle-bound frat boys hit on them, and things honestly haven't changed all that much from high school if I really think about it.

Well, one thing was new, at least, because a guy walked up and started talking to me.

"Hey," he mumbled, staring at his feet.

I felt an instant wave of sympathy for the guy, because who hasn't been there before? It was dark and I couldn't really see his face because he wouldn't meet my eyes, so I smiled and kinda leaned down so he'd look at me, and I introduced myself. What hell, right? He's just shy.

"Hi," he said.

Oh. "This place is kind of crazy, huh? You can barely breathe in here."

"Yeah." Oh. Oh no.

"What's your name?"


"...WHAT?" I yelled.


"Oh. Well, hi! Do you live around here?"


Crap. I started scrambling. "That's handy. I wish I lived close; this place is really cool, but I don't get much of a chance to drive downtown. Trying to get home after a night out can be brutal, y'know?"


At this moment, I realized I was a dentist working on a patient without anesthesia.

The conversation -- if you can call it that, because it consisted of me yelling whatever inane thing came to my head in an effort to fill the silence, which can be pretty deafening even when T-Pain is making your ears bleed -- continued for five excruciating minutes.

After his twentieth one-word answer, I snapped.

I set down my drink, reached over and grabbed him by the shoulders, which was finally enough to get him to actually look at me.

"Dude," I said. "I'm giving you an out."

He seemed confused. "...what?" It was his second-longest sentence of our abortion of a conversation.

"This." I waved my arms wildly, as if I could physically point out just how painful the last few minutes had been. I grabbed his shoulders again. "I know this is really, really awkward and we're kind of banging our heads against a brick wall here, so I'm giving you an out. You can leave right now if you want."

He blinked at me a couple of times. Then he walked away.

I'm going to die alone. With many, many cats.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Grammys Live-Blog

I already did this for the American Music Awards, so why not the Grammys, where there's a chance of seeing a performer I actually like? I've got the Yuengling ready. Watch this space and keep the F5 button handy. The fun starts at 8:00 EST.

8:00: Aretha tribute? Nice. Kelly Clarkson better be in this shit.

8:01: LL Cool J. does not age. And he is still hot.

8:02: No Kelly Clarkson. Fail.

8:04: I see Christina Aguilera is still using Dee Snyder's makeup artist. But she sounds great. And hey, she remembered the lyrics!

8:07: Martina McBride rocks, as per usual.

8:10: They're all kicking ass. But YOLANDA ADAMS. BOW DOWN.

8:13: Goddamn, ladies.

8:25: I will always give Lady Gaga credit for singing live and sounding good. But this song blows.

8:28: Where's the blood and semen? That was pretty tame for Gaga. And that song is still terrible. She's barely above Ke$ha in the "be yourself" Pop Anthem Sweepstakes, and way, waaaay behind Pink.

8:35: "My favorite dog is buried in the yard." Thanks, Miranda Lambert. I hate country music so, so much sometimes.

8:38: Muse! It is such a relief to watch an awards show and just watch a kickass rock band that knows what the hell it's doing.


8:43: Sorry, got carried away there.

8:50: Bruno, Janelle, and B.o.B. are up. Three people I like! Bruno Mars looks so much like Erik Estrada it freaks me out a little bit.

8:53: This Motown arrangement of "Grenade" is pretty fabulous, but I'll say it right now: that song has some of the scariest lyrics I've ever heard.

8:55: Janelle Monae is coming with an army of androids to take this planet over. They will all be impeccably dressed.

9:04: I still can't believe they didn't get Kelly for that Aretha tribute. Seriously?


9:05: Justin Bieber is left-handed, just like McCartney, Cobain, and Henrix. Too bad he sucks. I give him ten years to pull a Timberlake and actually impress me.

9:11: Ladies and gentlemen, Usher presents Rhythm Nation!

9:14: Best Rock Album is up. Stone Temple Pilots and Alice in Chains weren't even nominated. And the winner is Jethro Tull!

9:15: Okay, so it's actually Muse.

9:22: Gaga wins for Pop Vocal Album. I can't argue with that.

9:23: Her new song still blows.

9:25: Mumford and Sons are aggressively Irish.

9:27: Wait, they're not Irish? They should be.

9:29: The Avett Brothers are also Irish, even though they probably actually aren't.

9:30: Is Bob Dylan Irish? He wishes he were, at any rate.

9:33: Bob Dylan appears to be passing a stone of some sort. An Irish stone, obviously.

9:41: Two-time Grammy wimmers, Lady Antebellum! (Thanks, Lea Michelle. Reading is hard.)

9:44: Miley Cyrus with Kings of Leon? I... what?

9:47: Cee-Lo! I know Gwyneth sang this on Glee, but is her presence really necessary? Also, I'm kinda pissed at her for singing this song before I got a chance to do it karaoke.

9:48: He's dressed like an even gayer Liberace! And there are Muppets! This is awesome!

9:51: Brilliant. Say what you will about Gwynnie, but bitch stayed on key. I'm not holding my breath for Katy Perry to do the same.

9:57: I see I am correct about Katy Perry.

10:02: I kind of loved seeing Nicole Kidman in the audience singing along to "Teenage Dream." I'm easy.

10:04: Norah Jones, John Mayer, and Keith Urban just sang "Jolene." WHY WAS THAT SO SHORT?

10:06: "Fuck You" was robbed.

10:08: I know how to play "Teenage Dream" on guitar. Should I be ashamed?


10:15: I really, really hate it when rappers use backing tracks. Pathetic. Seriously, Em, you have no excuse. Jay-Z wins.

10:20: Skylar Grey was the best part of that, and I have no idea who she is.

10:23: I also have no idea who Esperanza Spalding is, but good for her. I am confident she was more deserving than Bieber.

10:24: Can Keith, Norah, and John come back? Seriously, that was fantastic.

10:30: Grammy President and charity and blah blah blah I want more Cee-Lo.


10:36: Mick Jagger is fucking enbalmed.

10:46: Babs is up. She sounds great, and I really don't care. Christ, how long is this thing?

10:51: Why is Nicki Minaj famous? Is she really any different than Kim Kardashian?

10:54: Wait a minute, this goes until 11:30? Screw that. I need to sleep. I understand I'll miss a performance including Rihanna, which makes me incredibly sad. I hope all five of my readers will forgive me.

Cee-Lo the Space Peacock forgives me. And so should you.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Grading the Anthems

I'm still searching for that elusive, perfect National Anthem. I'm usually white-knuckling it when I watch sporting events, either because the singer starts off shakily or picks a key that's too high and I'll spend the entire song holding my breath because I know something gotta break, and it's probably going to be some hapless bastard's voice.

Or -- and this is almost worse -- the singer sounds fantastic and I'm just waiting for them to get to "Land of the freeeeeee" and fuck it up because the singer in question decides that now is the perfect time to bust out some melisma or "make it their own" or decide that melodies are overrated. Case in point:

What did the word "free" ever do to you, Carrie? You sounded amazing for the first 9/10 of the song. You just couldn't resist, could you? Everyone does this, even if it's not this specific offense, but they've got to find some way to screw it up. Everyone.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

I'm Not Sure "Fashion" Is the Correct Term Here

Oh, Venus. Venus.

Remember how in elementary school, they told us to cut open the plastic rings from six-packs of soda, because otherwise dolphins and turtles would get caught in them and die?

Venus is that turtle your teachers warned you about, after an all-night bender at a drag show in Miami.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Nobody Cares About Art Directors (Or, How to Accept Your Award and Shut Up)

I've always been an awards show junkie, which surprises even me because I like pretty dresses but not that much, and the last time I saw a movie in the theaters was in 2009 (my beloved Gran Torino, which got hosed during awards season). I watch about three television shows regularly and one of them is American Idol, so my taste level is already pretty suspect. I genuinely do not care if Tina Fey wins another award.

And yet still I love the Golden Globes and the Oscars. I'll generally watch anything in which pretty statues are given out.

Oooh, shiny.