Grammys Live-Blog

I already did this for the American Music Awards, so why not the Grammys, where there's a chance of seeing a performer I actually like? I've got the Yuengling ready. Watch this space and keep the F5 button handy. The fun starts at 8:00 EST.

8:00: Aretha tribute? Nice. Kelly Clarkson better be in this shit.

8:01: LL Cool J. does not age. And he is still hot.

8:02: No Kelly Clarkson. Fail.

8:04: I see Christina Aguilera is still using Dee Snyder's makeup artist. But she sounds great. And hey, she remembered the lyrics!

8:07: Martina McBride rocks, as per usual.

8:10: They're all kicking ass. But YOLANDA ADAMS. BOW DOWN.

8:13: Goddamn, ladies.

8:25: I will always give Lady Gaga credit for singing live and sounding good. But this song blows.

8:28: Where's the blood and semen? That was pretty tame for Gaga. And that song is still terrible. She's barely above Ke$ha in the "be yourself" Pop Anthem Sweepstakes, and way, waaaay behind Pink.

8:35: "My favorite dog is buried in the yard." Thanks, Miranda Lambert. I hate country music so, so much sometimes.

8:38: Muse! It is such a relief to watch an awards show and just watch a kickass rock band that knows what the hell it's doing.

8:42: THEEEEYYYYYY WILL NOT FOOOOOOOOORCE USSSSSSSS

8:43: Sorry, got carried away there.

8:50: Bruno, Janelle, and B.o.B. are up. Three people I like! Bruno Mars looks so much like Erik Estrada it freaks me out a little bit.

8:53: This Motown arrangement of "Grenade" is pretty fabulous, but I'll say it right now: that song has some of the scariest lyrics I've ever heard.

8:55: Janelle Monae is coming with an army of androids to take this planet over. They will all be impeccably dressed.

9:04: I still can't believe they didn't get Kelly for that Aretha tribute. Seriously?

MASSIVE FAIL, Grammys.

9:05: Justin Bieber is left-handed, just like McCartney, Cobain, and Henrix. Too bad he sucks. I give him ten years to pull a Timberlake and actually impress me.

9:11: Ladies and gentlemen, Usher presents Rhythm Nation!

9:14: Best Rock Album is up. Stone Temple Pilots and Alice in Chains weren't even nominated. And the winner is Jethro Tull!

9:15: Okay, so it's actually Muse.

9:22: Gaga wins for Pop Vocal Album. I can't argue with that.

9:23: Her new song still blows.

9:25: Mumford and Sons are aggressively Irish.

9:27: Wait, they're not Irish? They should be.

9:29: The Avett Brothers are also Irish, even though they probably actually aren't.

9:30: Is Bob Dylan Irish? He wishes he were, at any rate.

9:33: Bob Dylan appears to be passing a stone of some sort. An Irish stone, obviously.

9:41: Two-time Grammy wimmers, Lady Antebellum! (Thanks, Lea Michelle. Reading is hard.)

9:44: Miley Cyrus with Kings of Leon? I... what?

9:47: Cee-Lo! I know Gwyneth sang this on Glee, but is her presence really necessary? Also, I'm kinda pissed at her for singing this song before I got a chance to do it karaoke.

9:48: He's dressed like an even gayer Liberace! And there are Muppets! This is awesome!

9:51: Brilliant. Say what you will about Gwynnie, but bitch stayed on key. I'm not holding my breath for Katy Perry to do the same.

9:57: I see I am correct about Katy Perry.

10:02: I kind of loved seeing Nicole Kidman in the audience singing along to "Teenage Dream." I'm easy.

10:04: Norah Jones, John Mayer, and Keith Urban just sang "Jolene." WHY WAS THAT SO SHORT?

10:06: "Fuck You" was robbed.

10:08: I know how to play "Teenage Dream" on guitar. Should I be ashamed?

10:13: STOP LETTING RIHANNA SING LIVE.

10:15: I really, really hate it when rappers use backing tracks. Pathetic. Seriously, Em, you have no excuse. Jay-Z wins.

10:20: Skylar Grey was the best part of that, and I have no idea who she is.

10:23: I also have no idea who Esperanza Spalding is, but good for her. I am confident she was more deserving than Bieber.

10:24: Can Keith, Norah, and John come back? Seriously, that was fantastic.

10:30: Grammy President and charity and blah blah blah I want more Cee-Lo.

10:35: MICK F'ING JAGGER. SINGING SOLOMON F'ING BURKE.

10:36: Mick Jagger is fucking enbalmed.

10:46: Babs is up. She sounds great, and I really don't care. Christ, how long is this thing?

10:51: Why is Nicki Minaj famous? Is she really any different than Kim Kardashian?

10:54: Wait a minute, this goes until 11:30? Screw that. I need to sleep. I understand I'll miss a performance including Rihanna, which makes me incredibly sad. I hope all five of my readers will forgive me.

Cee-Lo the Space Peacock forgives me. And so should you.