Grammys Live-Blog

I already did this for the American Music Awards, so why not the Grammys, where there's a chance of seeing a performer I actually like? I've got the Yuengling ready. Watch this space and keep the F5 button handy. The fun starts at 8:00 EST.

8:00: Aretha tribute? Nice. Kelly Clarkson better be in this shit.

8:01: LL Cool J. does not age. And he is still hot.

8:02: No Kelly Clarkson. Fail.

8:04: I see Christina Aguilera is still using Dee Snyder's makeup artist. But she sounds great. And hey, she remembered the lyrics!

8:07: Martina McBride rocks, as per usual.

8:10: They're all kicking ass. But YOLANDA ADAMS. BOW DOWN.

8:13: Goddamn, ladies.

8:25: I will always give Lady Gaga credit for singing live and sounding good. But this song blows.

8:28: Where's the blood and semen? That was pretty tame for Gaga. And that song is still terrible. She's barely above Ke$ha in the "be yourself" Pop Anthem Sweepstakes, and way, waaaay behind Pink.

8:35: "My favorite dog is buried in the yard." Thanks, Miranda Lambert. I hate country music so, so much sometimes.

8:38: Muse! It is such a relief to watch an awards show and just watch a kickass rock band that knows what the hell it's doing.

8:42: THEEEEYYYYYY WILL NOT FOOOOOOOOORCE USSSSSSSS

8:43: Sorry, got carried away there.

8:50: Bruno, Janelle, and B.o.B. are up. Three people I like! Bruno Mars looks so much like Erik Estrada it freaks me out a little bit.

8:53: This Motown arrangement of "Grenade" is pretty fabulous, but I'll say it right now: that song has some of the scariest lyrics I've ever heard.

8:55: Janelle Monae is coming with an army of androids to take this planet over. They will all be impeccably dressed.

9:04: I still can't believe they didn't get Kelly for that Aretha tribute. Seriously?

MASSIVE FAIL, Grammys.

9:05: Justin Bieber is left-handed, just like McCartney, Cobain, and Henrix. Too bad he sucks. I give him ten years to pull a Timberlake and actually impress me.

9:11: Ladies and gentlemen, Usher presents Rhythm Nation!

9:14: Best Rock Album is up. Stone Temple Pilots and Alice in Chains weren't even nominated. And the winner is Jethro Tull!

9:15: Okay, so it's actually Muse.

9:22: Gaga wins for Pop Vocal Album. I can't argue with that.

9:23: Her new song still blows.

9:25: Mumford and Sons are aggressively Irish.

9:27: Wait, they're not Irish? They should be.

9:29: The Avett Brothers are also Irish, even though they probably actually aren't.

9:30: Is Bob Dylan Irish? He wishes he were, at any rate.

9:33: Bob Dylan appears to be passing a stone of some sort. An Irish stone, obviously.

9:41: Two-time Grammy wimmers, Lady Antebellum! (Thanks, Lea Michelle. Reading is hard.)

9:44: Miley Cyrus with Kings of Leon? I... what?

9:47: Cee-Lo! I know Gwyneth sang this on Glee, but is her presence really necessary? Also, I'm kinda pissed at her for singing this song before I got a chance to do it karaoke.

9:48: He's dressed like an even gayer Liberace! And there are Muppets! This is awesome!

9:51: Brilliant. Say what you will about Gwynnie, but bitch stayed on key. I'm not holding my breath for Katy Perry to do the same.

9:57: I see I am correct about Katy Perry.

10:02: I kind of loved seeing Nicole Kidman in the audience singing along to "Teenage Dream." I'm easy.

10:04: Norah Jones, John Mayer, and Keith Urban just sang "Jolene." WHY WAS THAT SO SHORT?

10:06: "Fuck You" was robbed.

10:08: I know how to play "Teenage Dream" on guitar. Should I be ashamed?

10:13: STOP LETTING RIHANNA SING LIVE.

10:15: I really, really hate it when rappers use backing tracks. Pathetic. Seriously, Em, you have no excuse. Jay-Z wins.

10:20: Skylar Grey was the best part of that, and I have no idea who she is.

10:23: I also have no idea who Esperanza Spalding is, but good for her. I am confident she was more deserving than Bieber.

10:24: Can Keith, Norah, and John come back? Seriously, that was fantastic.

10:30: Grammy President and charity and blah blah blah I want more Cee-Lo.

10:35: MICK F'ING JAGGER. SINGING SOLOMON F'ING BURKE.

10:36: Mick Jagger is fucking enbalmed.

10:46: Babs is up. She sounds great, and I really don't care. Christ, how long is this thing?

10:51: Why is Nicki Minaj famous? Is she really any different than Kim Kardashian?

10:54: Wait a minute, this goes until 11:30? Screw that. I need to sleep. I understand I'll miss a performance including Rihanna, which makes me incredibly sad. I hope all five of my readers will forgive me.

Cee-Lo the Space Peacock forgives me. And so should you.

Grading the Anthems

I'm still searching for that elusive, perfect National Anthem. I'm usually white-knuckling it when I watch sporting events, either because the singer starts off shakily or picks a key that's too high and I'll spend the entire song holding my breath because I know something gotta break, and it's probably going to be some hapless bastard's voice.

Or -- and this is almost worse -- the singer sounds fantastic and I'm just waiting for them to get to "Land of the freeeeeee" and fuck it up because the singer in question decides that now is the perfect time to bust out some melisma or "make it their own" or decide that melodies are overrated. Case in point:

What did the word "free" ever do to you, Carrie? You sounded amazing for the first 9/10 of the song. You just couldn't resist, could you? Everyone does this, even if it's not this specific offense, but they've got to find some way to screw it up. Everyone.