Dear History Channel,

You used to be my favorite cable network, and The Universe is still pretty awesome (whenever you actually decide to air it). Back in my bartending days, I especially appreciated how you would still air shows at 3 a.m. while the rest of the cable networks crapped out and switched to infomercials.

But I've got a bone to pick with you. This:

Is not history. Neither is this:

"History: Made Every Day" my ass.

What about your newest addition?

Still not history.

I blame Ice Road Truckers for starting this depressing trend and making you think you're the next incarnation of SpikeTV. I know you want ratings and reality shows are easy and cheap to produce, but you're supposed to be the nerdy channel for people like me who relish the idea of sitting down with some popcorn and learning all about Herbert Hoover's presidency. I don't give a shit about a couple of douchebags haggling over the price of a vintage gumball machine or a turn-of-the-century prophylactic or whatever the hell it is they deal with on Pawn Stars.

Who came up with that show, anyway? What was the pitch like? "See, it's like Antiques Roadshow, but with more douchebags! Shows about douchebags are very hip these days. The kids love them. It's the only thing on MTV!"  Either change the name of your channel to "Reality Shows About Annoying People at Their Jobs" or get back to doing documentaries about Hitler.

And then there's Ancient Aliens, which manages to be dumber than Jersey Shore because it actually takes itself seriously.The official website introduces us to Ancient Alien Theory:

According to ancient alien theorists, extraterrestrials with superior knowledge of science and engineering landed on Earth thousands of years ago, sharing their expertise with early civilizations and forever changing the course of human history. But how did this concept develop, and is there any evidence to support it?

As someone who actually watched the show once, I'll spare you the suspense: no. No, there is not. Its main "expert" talking head is this guy:

You seem a trustworthy fellow.

Maybe I'm being a little harsh. Let's see what you're airing now; your Sunday programming is usually pretty solid.

Goddammit.